I wish I only lived at night.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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