he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
