none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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