If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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