I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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