oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
