it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
