To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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