dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
