My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize