Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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