dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
