I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
