not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize