Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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