the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
