CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
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