Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
