i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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