If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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