Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
