shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
