i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
