John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
