I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
