He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
