my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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