My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
