Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
