so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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