he thought i was a dude.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
