you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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