Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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