I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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