I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
