why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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