the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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