Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
