this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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