Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
