dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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