He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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