I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
