Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
