I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
time to smoke my breakfast
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
