be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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