I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
how drunk are you?
Several
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
