can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
