her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
