We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
