If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
