Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
