Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
