I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Duck Duck Cougar?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
