took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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