I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
