Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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