i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i think i just lost a toe
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
