he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
